Problemas de Corazon

They say a man shouldn't cry or that he should bite back his tears because "boys don't cry" (especially not in baseball). I think they should change that saying. A man should totally cry, he should just go outside to do it.

I scribbled this in my notebook 5 minutes before I went to tell a person about the options of life and death (oh yeah and the options are kinda like a life that is half death (dialysis) or a life with undetermined expiration (the bandaid of diaeresis until medicine functions no more). Within the whole life saving medical field, I realize the importance of such chats. I think I'd respect those that chat'em well. By now I more or less understand the medicine. I understand the docs like life. I know the fam needs to hear the options and hearing it changes their world.

In these 5 minutes of prep I was crying inside. I wanted to tell the fam how much I'd come to love them and how I am just as scared as them. I wanted to tell them the American docs are yes, Americans, and yes really great looking and yes they dreamed of this scenario from dubbed tv... BUT that they are not magicians. And that yes, we Americans in general and even more in comparison to them have lots of money, but that we'll never have enough to save this particular patient.

Then I went into the consult room and sucked it up. And I said and translated what we needed to say. And I said it while caring but while being "manly" and not balling. And while I was in the room with patient I thought of my conversation with Mike and what it means when we say "I'd come to love them." Anyways the daughter has chubby cheeks and chubby arms and really telling eyes but a really really really way stronger than me heart and mind. I felt super weak and unprepared. I told someone else this story and they responsed: " I am heisitant to say it.. you are too sensitive - I'm not sure I'd like anyone else to do such a life-and-death talk. Bien hecho, chiquita."

Well done, I hope. Exhausted, worn, but also really good and proud, I feel.