paso a paso

heyyyyahh,
here's to letting you all know that all is a-ok. sorry for the lil' lapse. i haven't been in town, had enough time, nor felt grounded enough to write a real blog. my current "grounded" state shifts between planted and floating at all times. my equilibrium hasn't balanced quite yet.

everything is going well but i've been feeling stressed lately with the incredible weight of it all. my shoulders are creeping dangerously above ear level, so yes, i'm a little tense at best. the job is amazing and at the end of the day if i can focus on the small successes, that warm cozy feeling should envelope me inside. unfortunately i don't work like that. when you present me with a task, i see the task in 3-D plus an unlimited montage of invisible sides (first simplicity then history, social context, future, bureaucracy, heir achy, challenge). this makes for a long day (a given) and my mind and go-getterness makes it even longer.

Scenario: 1 lil jungle clinic. cute. friendly. open. lots of poor jungle people. cute. friendly. open. a service that asks for nothing and gives everything. a clientel that asks for everything and gives nothing. lots of docs...smart. little to no staff, social work, accounting, standards, policies... really stupid.

Centro Medico Humberto Parra is a cool place, and an even cooler idea. As far as I observed, we give the shirts off our backs. We're they're for the people in moments of need--- the gravity of need scale is completely open. We do this and it makes some people feel good about themselves. It makes some sick people actually better. We also do this and it makes some people, who need to replace the shirts, re-energize the backs, and make sure this process happens over and over again, feel really proud but really exhausted. It makes some strong, visionary people say to themselves pretty much everyday "Op. I do think I've gone cross-eyed." Oh yeah, the some people is Staff Member Me.

So that's about where I'm at. It's hard to explain. There be--- 100 patients half in great need status, half in "I take advantage of anything given for free" status. 4 American docs who know a lot and complete immediate tasks. 1 Bolivian doc who knows a little but attends to a lot. 1 nurse who is non-licensed but passionate, giving, and culturally knowledgeable. and then there is me.. for, no joke, EVERYTHING else. Meds, resources, logistics, patient follow up, patient politics, patient need, emergencies, hospitalization, exam transfer... (list length undetermined).

last week I chatted with Don Julio (president of all the Centro Med health groups serves). he told me two interesting things. 1. when researching how to socially classify the people we help he offered this standard: Bueno. Normal. Malo. Good, Normal, Bad.. those three words soon will determine who can pay, who can help, and who needs us the foundation to cover it all. 2. Don Julio ( an amazing wordsmith by my standards) also told me: "You people are like cows. You share a really giant organ." Cows have big hearts. According to Don Julio (despite the struggle and the confusion I feel everyday) apparently I do too.

The Americans are cute. They call me La Jefa (the boss lady) or La Jefa Spice (the boss lady Sporty Spice) and support me in a lot that I do. They can't really help most of the time but they seem to respect their time is but a glimpse into this reality. The Bolivians are also cool. They do their part and do it well. The exhaustion is that no one else but me is there to experience it all. I feel like I'm always working. I basically always am. The good news is that I've had some distraction (half Boliv half American), I really like Regaeeton, I've been playing a lot of guitar and sharing my voice and finger pickings with others. I'm working on balancing Gringo and more permanent life here. Cambas (Santa Cruz people) are funny.

Carnival is coming. It starts tomorrow. American Founders One (and hopefully Two..Dr. Molitch was not let on the plane from Miami because his yellow fever card was not written in Spanish) arrive in a half hour. 5 more Gringos arrive tomorrow (there are already 5 here). Again this all sounds fine but the more people, the more questions and planning and 24/7 WORK for me. Ps. we don't have enough beds, enough work spaces, enough car seats for this many people. The founders will be here. I haven't done much to solucionize (word in Spanish) cuz I want them to face the facts.

I wrote a really serious agenda to discuss with Founders (Number 1, Number 2 and Bolivian). It covers everything from "this is great to this is totally unsustainable to I am willing to work and give to you but your gotta make some changes to make my work and giving supportable." I plan to call a meeting for an organization that in 7 years has never paused the helping to make efficient and and standardize the help that we give.

I'll let you know if I'm successfully in getting them to pause to discuss such things. They tell me step by step and cool it Gringita Coordinator girl. I agree. But if my legacy here can be to make 1 or two tiny changes that makes the next person's job (and the Bolivians I work closest with) a little less head-splitting at the end of the day, I'm gonna try.

Ok I'm gonna go relax. And play guitar. Or get a call and have to go pick up the founder. But either way music (my own or de Reggaeton) will lead the way. Well one way travel... until the Founder (really prestigious American Med Head) is sitting next to me.

Love biggg hugs.